One More Time

One the subject of not giving up.
Because I want to. But lately I have realized that I've let a lot of negativity into my life. Too much. I've become too self-degrading and too wrapped up in what a terrible failure I am. I don't know why. Yesterday, I decided to make a change.

This will be me. I have lots of things to improve on, but since this blog is dedicated to the Immortality statue, I'm going to talk about not losing hope that I can have more kids.

I just turned 35. You know, the age when doctors are now like, "You need to be more careful when you're pregnant," and a whole lot of other risks go up. I really do want another child. It just so happens that I'm not at a good place for that yet. It's a constant battle in my head. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. The other is screaming, "What are you thinking?"

 

This is me on a good day, when I'm not kicking my mattress and cursing in the privacy of my bedroom. Besides, what if I get pregnant and I miscarry? I've had that problem twice already. Do I really want to put my body through that again? Through the morning sickness and discomfort and stretching and misshapen blobbiness?

 

The answer is, I do. I would go through that again. I thought about this while dropping my youngest off at school today. He's a handful. He makes me want to smack myself on occasion. But he's also this beautiful, soulful person and I missed him as he walked away. I wanted to cry. (Okay, I've wanted to cry about a lot of things lately) And what I realized is that even though I'm not ready right this minute to get pregnant, I don't want to give up yet. So I have a plan.

 

I'm going to eat healthy. I'm going to get in shape again so I can be at optimal health. I'm going to work really hard so we can get a car big enough to fit four kids into, plus my husband and I. I'm going to practice every day being kind so that I will be kinder to my children (and my husband). I will stare at myself every day for a few seconds like this (but not in this good of shape, mind you)...

Though it's near it's end, I'm still going to promote this Kickstarter project, because I'd like to post it again. I'm not giving up yet, and I encourage all of you to endure for the good things. Someday, it will be worth all the sacrifice.

Not What I Want To Hear

It's funny...

Well, not really, but I was just thinking that sometimes I think we have to go through bad things just so we can learn to empathize with each other. That, and maybe there is some other vast and beyond-our-reach plan that I may never know about. You know and I know that most of us are probably living completely - or at least somewhat - different lives than we originally planned we would when we were daydreaming our way through Biology in high school. I thought I would have six kids, live near my parents and send my husband off to work everyday.

WRONG.
First of all, I will admit that I'm not unhappy with the way life turned out. So I live an hour away from my parents - it's not that far (but far enough). And I only have three kids, but it feels like six. And my husband works out of his studio attached to our house. Those aren't the kinds of surprises I was thinking about. More like, I didn't plan on miscarrying twice. I didn't plan on having to have surgery two years ago. I didn't plan on being so stretched and scrapped for time (my own time) that I am, undecidedly, a little jealous of a portion of my mother's life (about five years from the time I was 12 to 17) when she could sit on the couch and fold laundry and watch a show. But now she's more like me, stretched and scrapped for time. We are two busy mothers.

My body sometimes seems like it's out of my control. I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning to exercise before the kids wake up. In fact, I'm pretty sure I snoozed, like, five times this morning. My teeth are falling apart. I'm hungry all the time, and frankly, I like to snack on chocolate chips and cold cereal (sometimes together - you should try it). My kids have superb amounts of homework that even I complain about, and I'm pretty sure it's because my mind is finally going. Going, going, gone.

My point is, we all have gone through something horrible (probably). It has created an empathy in me that I never knew or thought would exist. I've dealt with enough that I don't judge anymore. Are you one of those moms whose kid screams through your entire grocery store visit and the only way to shut him up is to buy him a cheese stick so you do? Me too. Does he eat half of it before you can pay for it? Me too. And that's when I'm thinking, "You know what would be funny? If I left my wallet in the car." Because I probably did. You too? Welcome to the club.

Thanks to AlysonWhitaker.BlogSpot.com for the pic.

When I hear women talk about their indecision about having children, about all the horrible things that come with it and that make things hard, trying to pro and con the whole situation, I feel them. If you don't want to have a child, that's your choice. If you want to have ten, that's your choice. What's important is that we're not pushing our decisions on each other. If I had ten kids? Well, that never would have happened, but I'm pretty sure I'd be institutionalized. If I have none? I would probably feel a little empty. But that's me. Not you.  And if you want to have kids and can't? I'm so sorry. I will never know how that feels. If you want to be a surrogate mother? That's amazing. I couldn't do it. I'm too selfish. Sorry. But I probably know some people who would. Totally tough women.

Again, I want to point to the Kickstarter program for the Immortality monument. This is important to me. It's what I want to share with the world, what I hope for it; that we can all become empathetic of each other, that we can understand each other, and that we can show the world that we are strong, courageous, and amazing. Visit and/or donate at https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/945510695/immortality.