One More Time

One the subject of not giving up.
Because I want to. But lately I have realized that I've let a lot of negativity into my life. Too much. I've become too self-degrading and too wrapped up in what a terrible failure I am. I don't know why. Yesterday, I decided to make a change.

This will be me. I have lots of things to improve on, but since this blog is dedicated to the Immortality statue, I'm going to talk about not losing hope that I can have more kids.

I just turned 35. You know, the age when doctors are now like, "You need to be more careful when you're pregnant," and a whole lot of other risks go up. I really do want another child. It just so happens that I'm not at a good place for that yet. It's a constant battle in my head. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. The other is screaming, "What are you thinking?"

 

This is me on a good day, when I'm not kicking my mattress and cursing in the privacy of my bedroom. Besides, what if I get pregnant and I miscarry? I've had that problem twice already. Do I really want to put my body through that again? Through the morning sickness and discomfort and stretching and misshapen blobbiness?

 

The answer is, I do. I would go through that again. I thought about this while dropping my youngest off at school today. He's a handful. He makes me want to smack myself on occasion. But he's also this beautiful, soulful person and I missed him as he walked away. I wanted to cry. (Okay, I've wanted to cry about a lot of things lately) And what I realized is that even though I'm not ready right this minute to get pregnant, I don't want to give up yet. So I have a plan.

 

I'm going to eat healthy. I'm going to get in shape again so I can be at optimal health. I'm going to work really hard so we can get a car big enough to fit four kids into, plus my husband and I. I'm going to practice every day being kind so that I will be kinder to my children (and my husband). I will stare at myself every day for a few seconds like this (but not in this good of shape, mind you)...

Though it's near it's end, I'm still going to promote this Kickstarter project, because I'd like to post it again. I'm not giving up yet, and I encourage all of you to endure for the good things. Someday, it will be worth all the sacrifice.